the city comes to mind as i stare out at the snow covered lake, sno flakes starting to fall and a friends music playing through my earphones. the faces i know and remember in kolkata the life i know of kolkata. and i ask him how i live the things hes cultivating in my heart, knowing it is much beyond my own self and yet realizing i often make it bigger than it ever needs to be.

the words on a friends blog i found my thoughts from last week, the question of what hope is or where to find it within despair, within the deep of darkness. though there are signs of hope walking and laughing within the walls of the business theyve come to. yet when you turn away from that light, it can feel like all you can see is darkness.

yesterday during the sermon my mind drifted back to this place, as we talkd about the beatitudes and what it means to blessed. my mind went to what it would mean to bless the women, the girls there as they are without so much blessing of what i know and have in my hands. in a material understanding and a much deeper one, one that is found within a redemption they may not know. personhood brings this blessing to them

home again home again

my fingers are cold but im sitting near the fire, much different than the heat of kolkata - this heat i enjoy. my hand is quickly fading to orange as the henna stain leaves my palm but my fingertips seem to be enjoying the deep dye that happened to them just over a week ago.

I fear i'm forgetting bangla as i dont have anyone to speak with, who can answer me anyway. i don't think i can forget yet, but i fear it will come and then what will i tell the sb ladies when i see them again...

im so glad not to have found severe culture shock coming back, its only feelings of frustration as i hear commercial after commercial on the radio as i try to enjoy the christmas music; i dont need a haircut at great clips even if it is 5.99 , my mom gave me one for free. im loving being with my family, im loving being in my home. it is wonderful seeing faces i havent seen in some time and hearing how life has been

in kolkata i got to be a part of offering and giving freedom to women. the freedom is in offering them another job, a job of sewing at our business. they are given another option. as we visited (and as my friends continue to visit) the lanes and rooms to talk with the girls, we gave what we had, acceptance friendship and hope. i got to know some of the individuals giving themselves to the restoring of these women - beautiful people

So I'm coming home tomorrow ( for most of you it would actually in two days, but not for me ) I've been waiting for this for some time now, a little over six months minus weeks here and there and now that it's here, I've had trouble really deciding really what all to think. Leaving a warm, suffering Kolkata still in need of so much redemption. I'm asked if I'll return and I answer right now only He knows what the next will be come May.

I had a sweet time departing with the SB ladies Thursday after spending some time away from them for a few days as I went about the city. I didn't do any work, I sat and watched the trainees in their Bangla class and occasionally caused disruption as I took pictures of them during class. We had a small party during our evening cha (tea) time - giving sweets and fried treasures as we sat around enjoying one another's fellowship that will not be again at least for some time. They gave me a card in Bangla script that I tried to read but really couldn't - they laughed and gave it to one of the ladies' sons to read it out loud for all of us.

In the last hours I have just a bit of packing, a cha time to enjoy with our neighbors downstairs, chicken burgers to make with my roommates, and probably a fast taxi drive to the airport. Then, I'll be seeing you

I didnt really expect the time of closure to start a month before i was going home but what to do. my professor has come and gone and with his leave he set in some kind of closure of my time here. it was great to have him around, someone to walk the streets of kolkata with me and look into what life has been like for me here it was funny for him to assure me of things that are not "normal" for us in the states that i may have forgotten as ive spent life here kind of cool to be shown how ive settled into the culture a bit after a few months of living

the ladies are asking if im really going in a month and asking if ill return ... i give them the truest answer i know but its still unsatisfying. i have no idea if ill return to this place, its a possibility. little specific direction as to what will happen after i graduate in a few months but something will surface in the months ahead right now it seems pretty open

continuing to teach the classes at sb of bangla and math, its fun to hang out with the ladies; to see their learning, to see them challenged and conquering a challenge. i really want to learn how to do what theyre doing though, i dont envy that they sit hunched over a blanket half-all day sewing on the floor, but i have these real urges to learn to sew like they have learned. i want to sit there over my blanket in the flexible indian squat, hand stitching something beautiful out of old saris. one of the training ladies said she would teach me earlier this week ... but then it was tea time and it took our moments of free time and our thoughts of her teaching me disappeared until it couldnt happen that day. boo. i still like watching them though, they are excellent sewers. not only the ladies on blankets, the ladies on bags too. such a cool skill

It's easy to find myself lost in the busyness of life here; home never leaves my mind but I find myself separated from home in that I can never give enough of myself to stay present in life there. I have to tell myself it's okay as I'm not there and as I continue to pray for the ability to be present where I am.

A few clips of mind:
(written today) >
I've realized this week what a hard ministry they're doing here. The reality of the women we are in relationship with can not be put into words but can only be heard through a stream of tears that you sometimes have trouble stopping; yet at some point the freedom is there to step away from the tears, for us and for them, as we look at the redemption they are given. It can be hard to step away from the sadness that fills my insides, but I don't think we're always asked to.

(written two days ago) >
It smells of incense as I go to refill my glass with water in the kitchen taking a break from the case study reflection that I write on this early puja holiday evening. I walk out on the veranda – smelling incense yet, watching a firework light up the sky, watching the shadows of sparklers on rooftops and flashing Christmas lights spread over the city – a smoke hovers on the horizon from the festivities of today and yesterday, waiting for the rest that will come in the hours ahead And her voice is still going but this time its not singing, it only mumbles to me a foreigner something not understandable. and the drums continue the festival music as the offerings proceed in another October.

(Writing now) >
Puja season here, but I'm beginning to wonder when its not. As I was walking to and fro the metro last evening traveling to language class, I wondered what this city would like if it worshipped Jesus. And I was struck at what a sight it would really be ... if you could only see the way these people worship Kali, Durga, and Dewali And I wondered what it would be like if we chose to worship Jesus in the way that they worship these Hindu goddesses, what if we constructed magnificent structures for the worship of God and danced around them playing our drums, moving ourselves to the beat of our brothers and sisters playing music for Jesus; and this is spread all over the city, one here one there ... another just a ways down the street. what if we paraded through the streets dancing to a beat for Jesus and we weren't shy to let the city know it. it would be awesome. in a way it would be a direct opposition to the worship these deceivers receive from a people they have blinded

into marvelous light we run

i thought coming back to kolkata i would be refreshed for more than one day; i had hoped though i wasnt fully convinced this would be reality. But what a beautiful day Monday was, even though the evening was hard. What joy filled my heart to be back in my home, to be back with the ladies at sb who bring a smile to my face and warmth to my heart. one of the training ladies in particular often makes me laugh from the bottom of my stomach - she has much trouble hearing so it takes a lot to get her attention during class. she has an awesome sense of humor on top of that so often does things intentionally to get a laugh. she speaks hindi instead of bangla so often does hand motions to try to talk to me... oh its so funny. she brought me mishtis on monday (sweets) in honor of the holiday last week.

ive had a hard last few days. my eyes can not stop seeing that girl on her bed - she doesnt just represent herself but a vast amount of girls who have been thrown into a similar situation. her life has been taken from her, an expression of numbness i see in her face at what she has been forced to live. ive thought a lot lately about the relationship of suffering to redemption but i cant stop my own questions of why this suffering is necessary. how can this be happening. why is it okay; permitted by so many people that it is happening. she deserves her freedom just as much as i. it was really hard to go but something has to be done - someone has to enter in. i wish i could give her her freedom.

we sang a song this evening at a friend's house after dinner that spoke of the redemption we have found in Christ, how were running out of the darkness into the light of Jesus. it was a song we ended thinking of the girls who are suffering- that even though there's so much darkness we are running toward the light. i think what were told to do with suffering, hardship - endure by continually running back to the light

its really hard to be here - to be here i am asked to give parts of myself that i dont want to give, that i feel like i shouldnt have to give. but people here have to give them or they have to give more

i almost partook in a puja today - because the big fesival just happened, the time has come for the goddess to be taken to the river. there were two of the same goddess in the room because she had not yet been taken to the river and the old one was going to get the worship - the holy man came in and set everything up, removing dishes from its small platform and setting up his things - always a bell, always a horn, an incense stick. we left before he began i was so relieved

its so awesome when i can speak with people and so disappointing when i cant understand - id like to say it comes and goes with the wind because this is how it feels. one conversation: no problem. another conversation i imagine people want to ask: 'are you sure youre learning bengali?"

please continue to pray over my time here, it is still sometimes very hard. i dont know if i mentioned before but we secured the building to open another branch of sb! this is beautiful as it is in the same place where we visit women now - better opportunity for them to come work. the leadership staff of sb are amazing, it has been so encouraging to work with them in devotion class and english class. please pray for them as they seek to know Jesus more and take over more responsibility of sb

sending much love from kolkata and thanks for your faithfulness to jesus

this nepal air is making my toes cold, all i would have to do is walk to the other room to get my socks but i havent done that, i keep thinking just a few more minutes and ill be done here. i am on a break here, just taking some time out of ktown and have been blessed to spend my time with the wmf community here. they received me from the airport and have hosted me all week, introducing me to their children's home and home for older women who are widows. the national staff has been very loving. each of them has fed me a wonderful meal and so invited me into their homes just to share life with each other. a few of the staff speak english very well so there hasnt been strain in communicating the north american staff has been awesome as well- included me in all their activities in the week, opened their home to me, and lives as we share from our hearts what God has been doing in our lives to bring us where we are now

i head back to kolkata on sunday to start up a new week the next day. catch up with the ladies at sb after their week long holday thanks to the durga puja festival - maybe the time off will have improved/refreshed my bangla speaking skills though i havent taken time to study in these days as a truly good student would. what to do.

a short post only to say there is much to think about, much that goes unresolved even with my disapproval it doesnt seem to matter -- apparently it is not the time for resolve. it is only time to live so that is what i will continue to do. live.