Kind of funny, a few days after I wrote the last blog I had strong dreams of going home- you just never know what the next day is going to bring. One day you will love being in a foreign culture, working a language that you really dont know so well (and even laugh with yourself about it); but maybe the next day you long for understadning of the language and are made to feel badly that you cant understand and a big part of what you want in your heart is to be at home. But I think the glimmer of hope there though is that its only a big part its not my entire heart.

I feel like I want a place to retreat, a place where I can release. I'm not sure what I need to release what Im holding so muchly inside of myself but I feel weight from my thoughts from the sights from understanding from lack of understanding. only a few more days and I will journey to a week in nepal, hopes of retreat/clear vision happening there

Kolkata has been an especially busy place as weve had visitors coming in and out of our home the past few weeks, and just a lot of things to do during the week. language class, SB training, going to visit the red light area, finishing some school projects to turn in this week.

Today were going again, like every week to visit with the girls. To shake their hands, give them a smile a hello and maybe some small conversation. Its hard to see them standing there waiting for customers. I think i'm beginning to internalize why its important for us to go there- maybe just for those few moments we can talk with them they will catch a glipmse of who they really are rather than what their society tells them they are. they are not what they do. they are significant women who deserve to be valued. pray for them, some of them are my age some of them are younger. forced to live a life that no one should have to live

Written Sunday

Me: “no, not really”
Friend: “really, youre not ready?”

I miss it but I’m not ready to be back yet, it’s not time. There’s so much learning to happen in the coming 3 months; and the things that I’ve learned so far, I’m not sure their full circle yet, meaning I know I’ve begun to understand some things but I feel incomplete and in waiting. And that’s ok. Sure I miss my friends, I miss my home yet I take joy in this time because of the living God is walking me through here

Now I will say that I have a lot of questions I don’t have answers too. Partly because I’m not sure there’s an answer that can really be given for them. But its through asking these questions and admitting my ignorance and confusion that God is teaching.

I think last week was the busiest week of my life. SB M,T,W,F to lead alternating classes of math and literacy; what a good idea language study was/is. Two nights a week I am still attending language class, one for conversation and the other for Bangla script (which is crazy but I’m starting to enjoy it as I can sometimes read signs around the city!). I’ve been privileged to begin teaching a devotion class once a week with the leadership staff – I give a short devotion and then we talk about what engaged them, maybe an illustration/question/asking them to participate…etc. It’s exciting for me to teach them as they’re so excited to receive from me. They’ve been super encouraging after we meet together for the class- I’m excited for them to think about engaging the ladies a bit more as they lead morning devotion

This week we started a weekly English class for the leadership staff (just 4 people). Since then one of the staff members has felt freer in asking me questions about their English grammar so I too have felt freer in asking Bangla questions. I told them after our first class that now they had to speak in English all the time to me; but that’s hard because I have to speak in Bangla to them, or need to to practice anyway. So usually English but I throw in some Bangla phrases here and there. Two of the girls try to speak in Bangla to me but I usually only catch some words, they speak so quickly. It makes for a fun work place

I walked home from the metro a few nights ago in the drizzling rain as I couldn’t get an auto, I ended up walking next to a rickshaw. For a while I tried to keep the pace with him as he pulled a man and his daughter down my street. He kept a fast pace as he pulled them barefoot. Im amazed at the strength of these men; their physical appearance doesn’t say that they could muster that much strength. The livelihood here has not yet ceased to take my interest

Pandles are being built all over the city- large structures built to resemble and honor the gods/goddnesses of Hinduism. Durga Puja is nearing. There have been some smaller ones happening – its interesting to watch from the veranda
It makes me really sad; it confuses me.

As you pray, please remember SB and our search for space. We are in the process of getting a place possibly…
Pray for the new ladies at SB, they’re still trying to find their places there I think
I’ve had a struggle this week: I have mixed up feelings about coming here and spending six months bonding with these amazing women and then just taking off for home. I understand what my time here is, but I’m afraid they don’t/won’t and I’m not sure how to communicate it well so they will.
A praise that I will just voice: God’s really blessed me in being able to communicate often with my family and friends back home
It’s been encouraging to know the many of you are praying for me, God’s given me strength in this in times when it’s been difficult to be here

In Jesus I leave you

I love little kids, little bundles of natural joy; whether it be the little one tapping his foot beside the pastor in worship this morning or the little one holding my hand as I return to the metro, walking barefoot beside me along with his two older sisters.

Kolkata is a place full of unexpectancy, at least for me. But it’s a place that is teaching me freedom, that is teaching me patience (when I let it), and what it looks like to love.

I woke up in the middle of the night to an unpleasant crawly feeling, only to find myself a few moments later slapping the ground with my worn old navy flip flop. I stepped back to inspect the death and scooped him into my plastic garbage sack, sitting down on my bed to catch my breath and the reality that was happening to me at 3am. A minute later another one appears as a twist in my stomach propels me again toward my flipflop, my mind asking how im ever going to get back to sleep after this. It was a baffling comfort to find that this guy was the same one I had just smacked- he had hopped out of the garbage and was crawling around on the floor almost like before, I guess I didnt smack him hard enough those first 3 times. Praise God once again for Bangladesh, it made me a stronger girl.

Im spending my days at SB, helping with training classes; exercising my Bangla in math and literacy instructions with the aid of a friend who translates my broken sometimes confusing Bangla so it makes sense. It is such a blessing that she is willing to let me try to explain it even though half of the ladies are confused with my explanations, I imagine its probably funny and a little silly to them—my attempt to speak. They are not shy in trying to converse with me during the day, but I usually can’t understand. I don’t think the training ladies have me quite figured out yet when it comes to language…

We’re praying for space now at SB. We have one building but have pretty much outgrown it (awesome!!). In the mornings we have no room to work because we just started a new group of ladies in training. There’s no space to cut rolls, chalk bags – basically get new materials ready for the ladies to sew and there are just a lot of people in those four rooms. I also ask you to pray for these women in their relationship with Jesus. Some of them are believers but still practice another faith. It’s awesome that they’ve come to know Jesus and that they’re praying to Him, beautiful really. But I really just want us to pray that they may be freed from the bonds of Hinduism through further realization of who Jesus is. Maybe this could even be through devotions at SB… pray for these ladies to be fed from the Word.

In about a week I’ll be helping facilitate devotions, meeting with the national leadership staff of SB. We’ll meet once a week to try and explore ways they can be interactive in morning devos and stir the ladies thoughts a bit more. I will make a plan of Scriptures, topics, etc. from month to month and continue the rotation of devotion leaders. This is one of the ways I will practice leadership in my time here so please remember this as you pray.

Im still working on understanding the red light areas of our world. For now Im just praying hard for the girls and guys that are bound in it (yes there are men as well). I have trouble seeing justice here, I’d like to have trouble seeing God here but he says he’s there, he says he’s the bringer of justice, that he’s a refuge. Something I can’t understand here—I haven’t lived in that kind of bondage, a place where I had no way out or no choice.

I’m really grateful we are praying together, thanks for committing to the journey.

I am evergreen

It is not just that I want to be, but I am. Sometimes the snow is cold and uncomfortable, but it sure is beautiful. Even though I lay now on the ground, one day I will be put back in the position I was created in; put there to sink my roots deep down into my Creator, deeper than I ever could before.

Jesus doesn’t just tell me to go, he tells me to be willing. Jesus doesn’t say I’ll let you slide this time, he says he has endless compassion and love and mercy for me in my messups and hard heart. It’s not what I do but who I’m about. It’s never finished, even when He restores me in the end He still wants my heart. The truth is better even if my words are hard; He knows my true feelings anyway.

He really is strength, He really is always with me, He really is teaching me so that I can know Him more.

What a special gift to us, that God would want to teach us. At small group last week, there was a beautiful prayer offered that praised God for His goodness in trusting us to undertake challenges and endure them. It was one of the most pure prayers I think I have heard.

God is ever drawing us after Him. We need only to seek Him and then follow; in this all is found to be and truly is well.

I have an awesome photo on my desktop of my sister and I baking in the sun… we tried to pose in such a way as to demonstrate the scorching heat of the noon sun. That last day in the States was amazingly warm, and I must say I really value the “tan factor” to the U.S. sunrays. Here you find heat, you find sun, you can sometimes look at your feet and nearly convince yourself that you’ve begun an Indian tan (but at the end of the day you find you only needed to scrub your feet)—but the tan does not happen, disappointing really. I had high hopes of returning in the mid of winter with my own bronze glow; even if it was only my face, arms, and feet; I would take it.

I have made it home to Kolkata; its been a week since we left Bangladesh. The week back was really good, some hard places but overall really good. The ladies at SB were impressed with my Bangla speaking and I must say it was really great being able to talk more with them; to not only work alongside them in bag production but to be able to company with them during the day was wonderful. I didn’t feel like I learned much in Bangladesh but coming back I realize it helped so much just for my basic conversation ability. I mess up all the time with person tenses and conjugating my verbs but I usually get a good laugh in at myself as I remember way after the fact… and think to myself “that person is so confused right now.” One of the ladies’ sons showed up at SB to see his mom but I didn’t know who he was, so before I opened the door I tried to ask him if his mom worked there, but instead I told him my mom worked there as I opened the door….. I still trying to find solid ways to learn this language. Talking with people is great, but I can only say and comprehend so much. But homemade flashcards and writing sentences really isn’t thrilling for more than 10 minutes, and sometimes not even that. Brainstorming needs to happen.

I have huge respect for these girls I am working with—with the ministry. They all speak great Bangla; but it’s such a huge undertaking to learn a language thoroughly enough where you can speak and interact with others while at ease; where you can joke with them. This language… it’s a different vocabulary of course; but the setup of the language is different. It’s passive and from my observations tends to take a positive language to even negative circumstances. And the structure of a sentence is different: verb is always at the end, the word ‘with’ and ‘for’ always follow after what you’re referring to… it can take a while to come up with a grammatically correct sentence.

Even with a little more language I often have pangs inside of me that stem from a deep desire to be able to communicate with the ladies here. I want to talk with them, I want to know their lives—what have they experienced and what are their responses? I wished I could follow home the mother and son after they step off the auto, just to see what their life is like; their home. Life here is so different than what it is for me back home.

Today I’m grateful for community, for rest, for my own home and space. I’m grateful that God brought me to India for this chunk of time.

laughing through the muddy water

aj brishti hoyechi :: today rain happened. I tried to tiptoe my way back down the streets after I had finished lunch, I suppose hoping I might arrive with dry pants. As I was soon in the middle of the street dodging the puddles of water that had collected on my side of the road and cars were honking at me and the bike rickshaw was ringing his bell as he rode up behind me I realized the best scenario was just to give in. So I laughed with myself and stepped intentionally into the murky water as I felt the eyes of others question my smile and action. The rains made for a nice walk around the city; everyone seemed preoccupied with the water so I could walk in peace for the first time and even took some photos.

I realized today I really like my language teacher; she is teaching us a lot about Bangla and being so patient and encouraging. She learned that it helps me to have words of assurance and confirmation as I try to speak a new language. Today we even spoke in Bangla on our break, I was asking her about the food she eats in the evenings with her family; so she can probably tell I am getting a little more comfortable with speaking. I am still far from being fluent but it is encouraging to have some ability to speak and understand bsaic conversation. I am reminding myself that this is something that takes time, it will continue to be a main focus of mine as I live here in Asia.

It is still quite surreal, southern asia. Sometimes I enjoy life here, love the idea of this being my life. Other days, I feel totally out of place and clueless as to what I'm doing. Why did I venture halfway across the world? I find these cities i've been in hard places to live as daily im asked to give part of myself to another. and its frustrating because you feel like someone should be able to find some kind of job, they should choose to approach someone else and not just me because I have a lighter color of skin and clearly am from out of town, i can feel taken advantage of, used. but then i think of Christ. I think of Paul's words to consider others better than myself. and i ask myself why i have to be so selfish. and i hate realizeing this about myself because it forces me to look at how far I really am from imitating Jesus. Jesus called me to a life that isnt supposed to be about me...

oh the sweet music you find in bangladeshi internet cafes...

i dont like writing here because i watch the clock, paying to use the computer even though its cheap... i prefer free with no self time restraints. and its always... what do i write?? so i will try to give some key experiences of since i wrote last

first day in bangladesh, the 3 of us ate in a small restaurant on the main road. i was a little apprehensive, but didnt want to be the one to say anything...SO i said nothing except for yeah this is fine. so we ate a tasty meal. a few days later we found ourselves really sick; being the intern, i got to go to the bangladeshi doctor to be diagnosed with a stomach infection. but we now know that same doctor has an antidote for snake venom (there was a sign), just in case. i really hope we dont encounter any more of these infections, i think one is enough. we are still recovering from this, im feling pretty good right now; a little tired but not sick!

we decided we wanted to go out saturday even though none of us were feeling so hot, we needed out of the building. inbetween destinations, the rains came. i was the only one of us with an umbrella, but you cant run with 3 people under an umbrella, i couldnt even run under the umbrella because i had to hold up my pants as i ran- now that im thinking about it im not sure why i wanted to sacrifice my whole self to get wet for the bottom of my pants but... so we ran to another road to get a taxi- an auto, a small motorized vehicle that normally can fit 3 people no problem, but this one was small; and we barely fit but we fit. im sure it was a site seeing 3 bideshis caught in the monsoon, trying to huddle under an umbrlla at one point and then piling into an auto. the water only came up a few inches but it was pouring, theres the first experience with monsoon bangladesh. more to come

language class is going, its not overly thrilling but i am learning. its kind of frustrating though because i have to try and conjugate and order words in my head now instead of just speaking and hoping i make sense, it takes so much longer to say something to someone. hopefully things will piece together, it would be good if i found some people to speak with so i could practice and not just flip my flashcards. im trying to remember how helpful this studying will be once i am back in kolkata, oh to speak!

similar scenes are found in dhaka as kolkata... beggars, kids coming and asking for food. on our way down the street here we were gathered around by a group of sweet children, beatufiul kids asking us for food. weve been talking about how we should respond in these situations, it seems isnt always the best solution as more people just come to you asking for food or money. some people too have a living built off of begging. its hard to know what to do, but as the kids came up to us today we just tried to say hello and express love for that moment we were with them. i asked what their names were , i couldnt say much more and im not sure what i would have said even if i spoke the language. we told them we werent buying them food, but they still asked. but she did seem to really like telling me her name and her friends names.one little girl was kissing my hand, i just squeezed her hand and smiled at her.

please pray that i would be encouraged in my time here in bangladesh, it is sometimes hard to be away from my family, from home. please keep praying for the language, that i would study diligently and gain from the materials/classes. and please start praying for the role that awaits me once i return to kolkata, details are still settling but i need courage for the leadership/planning that awaits me.