It's easy to find myself lost in the busyness of life here; home never leaves my mind but I find myself separated from home in that I can never give enough of myself to stay present in life there. I have to tell myself it's okay as I'm not there and as I continue to pray for the ability to be present where I am.

A few clips of mind:
(written today) >
I've realized this week what a hard ministry they're doing here. The reality of the women we are in relationship with can not be put into words but can only be heard through a stream of tears that you sometimes have trouble stopping; yet at some point the freedom is there to step away from the tears, for us and for them, as we look at the redemption they are given. It can be hard to step away from the sadness that fills my insides, but I don't think we're always asked to.

(written two days ago) >
It smells of incense as I go to refill my glass with water in the kitchen taking a break from the case study reflection that I write on this early puja holiday evening. I walk out on the veranda – smelling incense yet, watching a firework light up the sky, watching the shadows of sparklers on rooftops and flashing Christmas lights spread over the city – a smoke hovers on the horizon from the festivities of today and yesterday, waiting for the rest that will come in the hours ahead And her voice is still going but this time its not singing, it only mumbles to me a foreigner something not understandable. and the drums continue the festival music as the offerings proceed in another October.

(Writing now) >
Puja season here, but I'm beginning to wonder when its not. As I was walking to and fro the metro last evening traveling to language class, I wondered what this city would like if it worshipped Jesus. And I was struck at what a sight it would really be ... if you could only see the way these people worship Kali, Durga, and Dewali And I wondered what it would be like if we chose to worship Jesus in the way that they worship these Hindu goddesses, what if we constructed magnificent structures for the worship of God and danced around them playing our drums, moving ourselves to the beat of our brothers and sisters playing music for Jesus; and this is spread all over the city, one here one there ... another just a ways down the street. what if we paraded through the streets dancing to a beat for Jesus and we weren't shy to let the city know it. it would be awesome. in a way it would be a direct opposition to the worship these deceivers receive from a people they have blinded

into marvelous light we run

i thought coming back to kolkata i would be refreshed for more than one day; i had hoped though i wasnt fully convinced this would be reality. But what a beautiful day Monday was, even though the evening was hard. What joy filled my heart to be back in my home, to be back with the ladies at sb who bring a smile to my face and warmth to my heart. one of the training ladies in particular often makes me laugh from the bottom of my stomach - she has much trouble hearing so it takes a lot to get her attention during class. she has an awesome sense of humor on top of that so often does things intentionally to get a laugh. she speaks hindi instead of bangla so often does hand motions to try to talk to me... oh its so funny. she brought me mishtis on monday (sweets) in honor of the holiday last week.

ive had a hard last few days. my eyes can not stop seeing that girl on her bed - she doesnt just represent herself but a vast amount of girls who have been thrown into a similar situation. her life has been taken from her, an expression of numbness i see in her face at what she has been forced to live. ive thought a lot lately about the relationship of suffering to redemption but i cant stop my own questions of why this suffering is necessary. how can this be happening. why is it okay; permitted by so many people that it is happening. she deserves her freedom just as much as i. it was really hard to go but something has to be done - someone has to enter in. i wish i could give her her freedom.

we sang a song this evening at a friend's house after dinner that spoke of the redemption we have found in Christ, how were running out of the darkness into the light of Jesus. it was a song we ended thinking of the girls who are suffering- that even though there's so much darkness we are running toward the light. i think what were told to do with suffering, hardship - endure by continually running back to the light

its really hard to be here - to be here i am asked to give parts of myself that i dont want to give, that i feel like i shouldnt have to give. but people here have to give them or they have to give more

i almost partook in a puja today - because the big fesival just happened, the time has come for the goddess to be taken to the river. there were two of the same goddess in the room because she had not yet been taken to the river and the old one was going to get the worship - the holy man came in and set everything up, removing dishes from its small platform and setting up his things - always a bell, always a horn, an incense stick. we left before he began i was so relieved

its so awesome when i can speak with people and so disappointing when i cant understand - id like to say it comes and goes with the wind because this is how it feels. one conversation: no problem. another conversation i imagine people want to ask: 'are you sure youre learning bengali?"

please continue to pray over my time here, it is still sometimes very hard. i dont know if i mentioned before but we secured the building to open another branch of sb! this is beautiful as it is in the same place where we visit women now - better opportunity for them to come work. the leadership staff of sb are amazing, it has been so encouraging to work with them in devotion class and english class. please pray for them as they seek to know Jesus more and take over more responsibility of sb

sending much love from kolkata and thanks for your faithfulness to jesus

this nepal air is making my toes cold, all i would have to do is walk to the other room to get my socks but i havent done that, i keep thinking just a few more minutes and ill be done here. i am on a break here, just taking some time out of ktown and have been blessed to spend my time with the wmf community here. they received me from the airport and have hosted me all week, introducing me to their children's home and home for older women who are widows. the national staff has been very loving. each of them has fed me a wonderful meal and so invited me into their homes just to share life with each other. a few of the staff speak english very well so there hasnt been strain in communicating the north american staff has been awesome as well- included me in all their activities in the week, opened their home to me, and lives as we share from our hearts what God has been doing in our lives to bring us where we are now

i head back to kolkata on sunday to start up a new week the next day. catch up with the ladies at sb after their week long holday thanks to the durga puja festival - maybe the time off will have improved/refreshed my bangla speaking skills though i havent taken time to study in these days as a truly good student would. what to do.

a short post only to say there is much to think about, much that goes unresolved even with my disapproval it doesnt seem to matter -- apparently it is not the time for resolve. it is only time to live so that is what i will continue to do. live.