into marvelous light we run

i thought coming back to kolkata i would be refreshed for more than one day; i had hoped though i wasnt fully convinced this would be reality. But what a beautiful day Monday was, even though the evening was hard. What joy filled my heart to be back in my home, to be back with the ladies at sb who bring a smile to my face and warmth to my heart. one of the training ladies in particular often makes me laugh from the bottom of my stomach - she has much trouble hearing so it takes a lot to get her attention during class. she has an awesome sense of humor on top of that so often does things intentionally to get a laugh. she speaks hindi instead of bangla so often does hand motions to try to talk to me... oh its so funny. she brought me mishtis on monday (sweets) in honor of the holiday last week.

ive had a hard last few days. my eyes can not stop seeing that girl on her bed - she doesnt just represent herself but a vast amount of girls who have been thrown into a similar situation. her life has been taken from her, an expression of numbness i see in her face at what she has been forced to live. ive thought a lot lately about the relationship of suffering to redemption but i cant stop my own questions of why this suffering is necessary. how can this be happening. why is it okay; permitted by so many people that it is happening. she deserves her freedom just as much as i. it was really hard to go but something has to be done - someone has to enter in. i wish i could give her her freedom.

we sang a song this evening at a friend's house after dinner that spoke of the redemption we have found in Christ, how were running out of the darkness into the light of Jesus. it was a song we ended thinking of the girls who are suffering- that even though there's so much darkness we are running toward the light. i think what were told to do with suffering, hardship - endure by continually running back to the light

its really hard to be here - to be here i am asked to give parts of myself that i dont want to give, that i feel like i shouldnt have to give. but people here have to give them or they have to give more

i almost partook in a puja today - because the big fesival just happened, the time has come for the goddess to be taken to the river. there were two of the same goddess in the room because she had not yet been taken to the river and the old one was going to get the worship - the holy man came in and set everything up, removing dishes from its small platform and setting up his things - always a bell, always a horn, an incense stick. we left before he began i was so relieved

its so awesome when i can speak with people and so disappointing when i cant understand - id like to say it comes and goes with the wind because this is how it feels. one conversation: no problem. another conversation i imagine people want to ask: 'are you sure youre learning bengali?"

please continue to pray over my time here, it is still sometimes very hard. i dont know if i mentioned before but we secured the building to open another branch of sb! this is beautiful as it is in the same place where we visit women now - better opportunity for them to come work. the leadership staff of sb are amazing, it has been so encouraging to work with them in devotion class and english class. please pray for them as they seek to know Jesus more and take over more responsibility of sb

sending much love from kolkata and thanks for your faithfulness to jesus

this nepal air is making my toes cold, all i would have to do is walk to the other room to get my socks but i havent done that, i keep thinking just a few more minutes and ill be done here. i am on a break here, just taking some time out of ktown and have been blessed to spend my time with the wmf community here. they received me from the airport and have hosted me all week, introducing me to their children's home and home for older women who are widows. the national staff has been very loving. each of them has fed me a wonderful meal and so invited me into their homes just to share life with each other. a few of the staff speak english very well so there hasnt been strain in communicating the north american staff has been awesome as well- included me in all their activities in the week, opened their home to me, and lives as we share from our hearts what God has been doing in our lives to bring us where we are now

i head back to kolkata on sunday to start up a new week the next day. catch up with the ladies at sb after their week long holday thanks to the durga puja festival - maybe the time off will have improved/refreshed my bangla speaking skills though i havent taken time to study in these days as a truly good student would. what to do.

a short post only to say there is much to think about, much that goes unresolved even with my disapproval it doesnt seem to matter -- apparently it is not the time for resolve. it is only time to live so that is what i will continue to do. live.

Kind of funny, a few days after I wrote the last blog I had strong dreams of going home- you just never know what the next day is going to bring. One day you will love being in a foreign culture, working a language that you really dont know so well (and even laugh with yourself about it); but maybe the next day you long for understadning of the language and are made to feel badly that you cant understand and a big part of what you want in your heart is to be at home. But I think the glimmer of hope there though is that its only a big part its not my entire heart.

I feel like I want a place to retreat, a place where I can release. I'm not sure what I need to release what Im holding so muchly inside of myself but I feel weight from my thoughts from the sights from understanding from lack of understanding. only a few more days and I will journey to a week in nepal, hopes of retreat/clear vision happening there

Kolkata has been an especially busy place as weve had visitors coming in and out of our home the past few weeks, and just a lot of things to do during the week. language class, SB training, going to visit the red light area, finishing some school projects to turn in this week.

Today were going again, like every week to visit with the girls. To shake their hands, give them a smile a hello and maybe some small conversation. Its hard to see them standing there waiting for customers. I think i'm beginning to internalize why its important for us to go there- maybe just for those few moments we can talk with them they will catch a glipmse of who they really are rather than what their society tells them they are. they are not what they do. they are significant women who deserve to be valued. pray for them, some of them are my age some of them are younger. forced to live a life that no one should have to live

Written Sunday

Me: “no, not really”
Friend: “really, youre not ready?”

I miss it but I’m not ready to be back yet, it’s not time. There’s so much learning to happen in the coming 3 months; and the things that I’ve learned so far, I’m not sure their full circle yet, meaning I know I’ve begun to understand some things but I feel incomplete and in waiting. And that’s ok. Sure I miss my friends, I miss my home yet I take joy in this time because of the living God is walking me through here

Now I will say that I have a lot of questions I don’t have answers too. Partly because I’m not sure there’s an answer that can really be given for them. But its through asking these questions and admitting my ignorance and confusion that God is teaching.

I think last week was the busiest week of my life. SB M,T,W,F to lead alternating classes of math and literacy; what a good idea language study was/is. Two nights a week I am still attending language class, one for conversation and the other for Bangla script (which is crazy but I’m starting to enjoy it as I can sometimes read signs around the city!). I’ve been privileged to begin teaching a devotion class once a week with the leadership staff – I give a short devotion and then we talk about what engaged them, maybe an illustration/question/asking them to participate…etc. It’s exciting for me to teach them as they’re so excited to receive from me. They’ve been super encouraging after we meet together for the class- I’m excited for them to think about engaging the ladies a bit more as they lead morning devotion

This week we started a weekly English class for the leadership staff (just 4 people). Since then one of the staff members has felt freer in asking me questions about their English grammar so I too have felt freer in asking Bangla questions. I told them after our first class that now they had to speak in English all the time to me; but that’s hard because I have to speak in Bangla to them, or need to to practice anyway. So usually English but I throw in some Bangla phrases here and there. Two of the girls try to speak in Bangla to me but I usually only catch some words, they speak so quickly. It makes for a fun work place

I walked home from the metro a few nights ago in the drizzling rain as I couldn’t get an auto, I ended up walking next to a rickshaw. For a while I tried to keep the pace with him as he pulled a man and his daughter down my street. He kept a fast pace as he pulled them barefoot. Im amazed at the strength of these men; their physical appearance doesn’t say that they could muster that much strength. The livelihood here has not yet ceased to take my interest

Pandles are being built all over the city- large structures built to resemble and honor the gods/goddnesses of Hinduism. Durga Puja is nearing. There have been some smaller ones happening – its interesting to watch from the veranda
It makes me really sad; it confuses me.

As you pray, please remember SB and our search for space. We are in the process of getting a place possibly…
Pray for the new ladies at SB, they’re still trying to find their places there I think
I’ve had a struggle this week: I have mixed up feelings about coming here and spending six months bonding with these amazing women and then just taking off for home. I understand what my time here is, but I’m afraid they don’t/won’t and I’m not sure how to communicate it well so they will.
A praise that I will just voice: God’s really blessed me in being able to communicate often with my family and friends back home
It’s been encouraging to know the many of you are praying for me, God’s given me strength in this in times when it’s been difficult to be here

In Jesus I leave you

I love little kids, little bundles of natural joy; whether it be the little one tapping his foot beside the pastor in worship this morning or the little one holding my hand as I return to the metro, walking barefoot beside me along with his two older sisters.

Kolkata is a place full of unexpectancy, at least for me. But it’s a place that is teaching me freedom, that is teaching me patience (when I let it), and what it looks like to love.

I woke up in the middle of the night to an unpleasant crawly feeling, only to find myself a few moments later slapping the ground with my worn old navy flip flop. I stepped back to inspect the death and scooped him into my plastic garbage sack, sitting down on my bed to catch my breath and the reality that was happening to me at 3am. A minute later another one appears as a twist in my stomach propels me again toward my flipflop, my mind asking how im ever going to get back to sleep after this. It was a baffling comfort to find that this guy was the same one I had just smacked- he had hopped out of the garbage and was crawling around on the floor almost like before, I guess I didnt smack him hard enough those first 3 times. Praise God once again for Bangladesh, it made me a stronger girl.

Im spending my days at SB, helping with training classes; exercising my Bangla in math and literacy instructions with the aid of a friend who translates my broken sometimes confusing Bangla so it makes sense. It is such a blessing that she is willing to let me try to explain it even though half of the ladies are confused with my explanations, I imagine its probably funny and a little silly to them—my attempt to speak. They are not shy in trying to converse with me during the day, but I usually can’t understand. I don’t think the training ladies have me quite figured out yet when it comes to language…

We’re praying for space now at SB. We have one building but have pretty much outgrown it (awesome!!). In the mornings we have no room to work because we just started a new group of ladies in training. There’s no space to cut rolls, chalk bags – basically get new materials ready for the ladies to sew and there are just a lot of people in those four rooms. I also ask you to pray for these women in their relationship with Jesus. Some of them are believers but still practice another faith. It’s awesome that they’ve come to know Jesus and that they’re praying to Him, beautiful really. But I really just want us to pray that they may be freed from the bonds of Hinduism through further realization of who Jesus is. Maybe this could even be through devotions at SB… pray for these ladies to be fed from the Word.

In about a week I’ll be helping facilitate devotions, meeting with the national leadership staff of SB. We’ll meet once a week to try and explore ways they can be interactive in morning devos and stir the ladies thoughts a bit more. I will make a plan of Scriptures, topics, etc. from month to month and continue the rotation of devotion leaders. This is one of the ways I will practice leadership in my time here so please remember this as you pray.

Im still working on understanding the red light areas of our world. For now Im just praying hard for the girls and guys that are bound in it (yes there are men as well). I have trouble seeing justice here, I’d like to have trouble seeing God here but he says he’s there, he says he’s the bringer of justice, that he’s a refuge. Something I can’t understand here—I haven’t lived in that kind of bondage, a place where I had no way out or no choice.

I’m really grateful we are praying together, thanks for committing to the journey.

I am evergreen

It is not just that I want to be, but I am. Sometimes the snow is cold and uncomfortable, but it sure is beautiful. Even though I lay now on the ground, one day I will be put back in the position I was created in; put there to sink my roots deep down into my Creator, deeper than I ever could before.

Jesus doesn’t just tell me to go, he tells me to be willing. Jesus doesn’t say I’ll let you slide this time, he says he has endless compassion and love and mercy for me in my messups and hard heart. It’s not what I do but who I’m about. It’s never finished, even when He restores me in the end He still wants my heart. The truth is better even if my words are hard; He knows my true feelings anyway.

He really is strength, He really is always with me, He really is teaching me so that I can know Him more.

What a special gift to us, that God would want to teach us. At small group last week, there was a beautiful prayer offered that praised God for His goodness in trusting us to undertake challenges and endure them. It was one of the most pure prayers I think I have heard.

God is ever drawing us after Him. We need only to seek Him and then follow; in this all is found to be and truly is well.

I have an awesome photo on my desktop of my sister and I baking in the sun… we tried to pose in such a way as to demonstrate the scorching heat of the noon sun. That last day in the States was amazingly warm, and I must say I really value the “tan factor” to the U.S. sunrays. Here you find heat, you find sun, you can sometimes look at your feet and nearly convince yourself that you’ve begun an Indian tan (but at the end of the day you find you only needed to scrub your feet)—but the tan does not happen, disappointing really. I had high hopes of returning in the mid of winter with my own bronze glow; even if it was only my face, arms, and feet; I would take it.

I have made it home to Kolkata; its been a week since we left Bangladesh. The week back was really good, some hard places but overall really good. The ladies at SB were impressed with my Bangla speaking and I must say it was really great being able to talk more with them; to not only work alongside them in bag production but to be able to company with them during the day was wonderful. I didn’t feel like I learned much in Bangladesh but coming back I realize it helped so much just for my basic conversation ability. I mess up all the time with person tenses and conjugating my verbs but I usually get a good laugh in at myself as I remember way after the fact… and think to myself “that person is so confused right now.” One of the ladies’ sons showed up at SB to see his mom but I didn’t know who he was, so before I opened the door I tried to ask him if his mom worked there, but instead I told him my mom worked there as I opened the door….. I still trying to find solid ways to learn this language. Talking with people is great, but I can only say and comprehend so much. But homemade flashcards and writing sentences really isn’t thrilling for more than 10 minutes, and sometimes not even that. Brainstorming needs to happen.

I have huge respect for these girls I am working with—with the ministry. They all speak great Bangla; but it’s such a huge undertaking to learn a language thoroughly enough where you can speak and interact with others while at ease; where you can joke with them. This language… it’s a different vocabulary of course; but the setup of the language is different. It’s passive and from my observations tends to take a positive language to even negative circumstances. And the structure of a sentence is different: verb is always at the end, the word ‘with’ and ‘for’ always follow after what you’re referring to… it can take a while to come up with a grammatically correct sentence.

Even with a little more language I often have pangs inside of me that stem from a deep desire to be able to communicate with the ladies here. I want to talk with them, I want to know their lives—what have they experienced and what are their responses? I wished I could follow home the mother and son after they step off the auto, just to see what their life is like; their home. Life here is so different than what it is for me back home.

Today I’m grateful for community, for rest, for my own home and space. I’m grateful that God brought me to India for this chunk of time.